Tonight a friend of mine and i went out to a dance party...i know...you probably are wondering what kind of "dance" and who the friend was...hehe...i'll leave that up to you to figure out. I stepped outside my sliding glass doors and noticed that a storm was moving in, so i layed down in the grass on this little hill...God did a lot more dancing than i did i must say. As a matter of fact i'm still at the dance party now...i'm out on my little cubicle patio watching the lighting dance across the sky in a random, scattered, yet designed pattern. It's started to gently rain now...a nice, warm, spring night with a trickling of rain...mmm...yeah...it's so nice to just drink it all in. i'm not even sure the last time i've done this.
The past couple of weeks I have been in that mode of analyzing...it's those periods of time when it seems like life has to go through this grid of thoughts, fears, doubts, dreams to see what will make it through and come out on the other side....mmm...thunder has begun to speak out here now...everything gets questioned...including things that aren't even real or haven't even happened yet...it seems like my mind goes into a funk of trying to figure everything out and know the way i'm made...why i'm where i'm at...and where i am or could be going. Most of the time i can't stand myself when these seasons come...i feel like a little boy who has no clue about himself or life...the only thing he knows is that he has so far to go and so much to learn....i know these times are good, but they just don't feel like it...in fact, it's totally the opposite...i just feel lost and messed up.
I'm learning that sometimes things do make sense but for a lot of the time we walk on earth, there is so much that doesn't add up in our tiny, minute minds. If it could just fit into the boxes of life we have constructed it would be so much easier...death, life, brokeness, sin, shame, pain, fear, i want to take them and just figure the equation that works them out and then get through them and be on with life. It just never seems to come together like that...i find often that the questions and equations almost multiply the thoughts and issues in my mind--leaving me seemingly farther than where i was at first. Why go there?...why not just bury it and go on...for some reason God sees something more in these times of wrestling and angst than i do.
More and more God is giving me grace to just let these times be...recognize they are here...call God into them...but most importantly, realize that it doesn't mean i'm a screw up and continue to love and give and serve...in the midst of these phases of life. Mystery...the unknown is so hard for us who want to be known and to know...to be in control--but at the same time mystery breathes life into our hearts because there is something bigger...something larger...something that demands our awe, our wonder, our time to just stop and say, "i don't get it...i don't get you, God...and that's ok...as a matter of fact, it's amazing." I haven't necessarily even said that to God lately, but i have been reading and thinking and starting to move there. I stumbled upon a quote the other day that just spoke deeply to me and where i've been...
O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
-"O Me! O Life!" by walt whitman
poetry is so incredible because it helps us put wild thoughts and churnings to words...to at least try and communicate the incommunicable. this piece of poetry has been simmering inside of me...not because it answers all of my questions, but that it helps me see that others have walked through these waters...and that it's ok to be there...and let it be there...and continue to live on and seek God. As a matter of fact...without these times God would lose so much of His power, His mystery, His adventure if i never stumbled and bumbled through these frail, human thoughts. It reveals in me that God is actually bigger, not smaller and that i will never figure Him out...but i still need to keep seeking. Life isn't supposed to make sense...otherwise God would become genie and we His masters. The "nonsense" is what awakens our need for something that is bigger than we are...that is more...and that awakened needs moves us on in this journey. so here i am...that might be all i know, for now...but God is here too...what He's up to...don't take me down those rabbit trails right now...I'm here...and He's here...somewhere...and for now, that's all i need...
WHEN I heard the learn’d astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was shown the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.
"When I heard the Learn’d Astronomer" by walt whitman
dancing is a mysterious, beautiful thing...